Clear As Mud

Tears of love

How do you do something that you know is right and yet feels so wrong…..?

How do you stay strong when you are so broken….?

How do you pick yourself up when you just want to crumble…?

There are all questions that I wish I had answers for. 

Those of you who follow me on social media have seen my son Menny. Menny who lights up every room that he walks into, Menny who can dance anyone under the table, Menny who is sensitive to a fault. Menny who is probably the most popular kid in school. 

Menny also struggles. He struggles with impulse control, he struggles with anger, he struggles with violence. 

We have been managing these challenges for a while but unfortunately, it’s not under control. Things are getting worse, not better. We have an amazing team in Bozeman who have been working tirelessly to unlock the code that is Menny. 

We were stuck and out of tools. It became clear it was time to take our doctors’ advice and get serious about the next step.

Next step brings us to this moment, as I’m sitting in the airport, awaiting my flight back to Bozeman, having done the most painful and traumatizing thing I’ve ever had to do. 

We enrolled Menny in a very special program that will hopefully evaluate, strategize, problem solve and get to the source of Menny’s behavior issues. This will hopefully allow us to gain a better understanding of our sweet boy, so we can help and provide him the tools he needs for success. 

Tears are pouring from my eyes as the only image I see in my head is five compassionate people taking Menny from me. 

Yes, this is what he needs, yes I’m an active participant, but the pain and the hurt as he looks at me saying “don’t leave me here”… is just too much to bear. 

Yet, we do it, we do it out of love though it feels so cruel. How I will live with myself for the coming weeks only G-d knows. But I do know deep down that I’m doing the right thing. (even though it took every ounce of strength I have not to take him with me and run). And maybe even one day he will forgive me (not counting on it anytime soon).

I’m sure so many of you are thinking how this could be, this is not the Menny we see and know. I want to tell you that the Menny you see on social media is the real Menny, it’s just not all of Menny.

I am very intentional with why I am sharing Menny’s journey on such a public space. 

I want Menny to know that there is nothing about himself that he should be ashamed of. He should feel proud that he is facing his challenges head on and doing something most people can’t wrap their brains around.

I am honored to be his mother and I only hope I can live up to be the mother he deserves.